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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531759">Juno Steel and the 1000 Ways for Anonymous Henchmen to Die</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_archivist_is_a_problem_child/pseuds/the_archivist_is_a_problem_child'>the_archivist_is_a_problem_child</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Penumbra Podcast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Battle of Wits, Biting, Fluff, Hair-pulling, Juno is the world's second biggest romantic and he shows it here, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Nonbinary Juno Steel, Other, Peter Nureyev in full Homme fatale look, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, S3 Spaceship crime family era, Thief!Juno and he's embraced it fully, Two besotted dorks living their best life, but in a mild sort of way, crime couple time y'all, post s3- spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:34:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,705</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_archivist_is_a_problem_child/pseuds/the_archivist_is_a_problem_child</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Juno didn't initially have plans beyond stealing the Key before Nureyev can, but when masked assassins attack his hotel room searching for the Key, a lady has to improvise. </p><p>Alternate Title: Artifact heists can be such a personal thing for a master thief and an ex-detective. </p><p>Alternate Summary 2- Adrenaline! Fighting! Battle of Wits and Timing leads to Sexy times between Besotted Scruffy Detective and lovesick Master Thief! Read All About It!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Juno Steel and the 1000 Ways for Anonymous Henchmen to Die</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Work is mostly watching music videos and thinking up fic ideas at lunch.<br/>This takes place after Man in Glass Part 2 and was partly inspired by P!ATD Say Amen (Saturday Night)'s music video which made me go "mmm Jupeter vibes are strong here." Also Juno and Peter Battle of Sexy Wits and Heisting y'all.<br/>This is also the first time I've written something of a sex scene, so please be nice :-)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Juno still maintains the hefty bill sent by the Hotel of the First Water was completely unwarranted.</p><p>On one of their rare non-Curemother Prime related heists, Buddy sent Juno and Nureyev out to steal a rare artifact from a trillionaire anti-matter energy tycoon’s archives. The tycoon had been famously after Lucifer’s Key, a religious symbol for the Neptunians for ages, but the National Museum had refused to sell, stating you know- the fact it’s literally the cornerstone of all religion for Neptune. So, you know, no. Thank you. Go away.</p><p>But when the Museum started to see some financial trouble due to budget cuts from the government after a bad recession; allegedly caused by Demetrius Caldera’s organization refusing to sell them anti-matter to fuel their trading spaceships – and came to the verge of closing down. In desperation, they were given some spectacularly bad, horrible no-good (for them anyway) advice to hold an auction for all their artifacts- and make the Lucifer’s Key the main attraction.</p><p>Which surprise, surprise, guess which dickhead trillionaire won that one with a smirk as large as the craters on Europa? And because like most rich people, squeezing more money out of people in as ridiculous ways as possible is practically a compulsive habit, Caldera made Neptunians pay through their noses if they wanted to see the holiest of their symbols, twice on the religious holidays because like said previously, he was a dickhead and a petty asshole with a lot of money.</p><p>It was pathetically easy. Caldera for all his paranoia and collector’s bug was so consumed by his petty need to show off how he owned the Lucifer’s Key and how no one could have it, because it was his now and he was the master of it; actual words he used in a press conference to announce the parade, by the way. Caldera decided to flaunt the Key on the day of the Nereid Fast, a day of mourning, for a Caldera Inc sponsored celebratory Parade. Through the goddamn capital.</p><p>He hadn’t heard Nureyev laugh so hard. Like ever. The mesh-like black shirt with a golden Indian salwar had been distracting him all day anyway and when Buddy told them at the family meeting about Caldera’s Parade… he threw his long swan-like neck and laughed. A slow, hearty laugh with a trace of wicked, satisfied amusement in it that sent a warm flame through Juno and collected in the pit of his stomach like a comforting fire on a cold day.</p><p>The coffee beans thrown at him were completely unnecessary and unwarranted <em>Vespa.</em></p><p>Anyway, Juno had been getting a little cooped up in the Carte Blanche and had been looking for a way to stretch his legs on a planet, possibly buy some more snacks for Rita who was coming perilously close to the last of her salmon flavored snack supply, (which is an event Juno had no intention of reliving again) and volunteered to do the heist solo.<br/>
Honestly, he still was confused as to how that led to the wager. But he absolutely intended on winning it anyhow.</p><p>Bribing Jet by promising him to get him Circe Coffee beans in exchange for using the RUBY 7’s flying capabilities to the surface, Juno sneakily got off the ship a day early when Nureyev was doing his two-hour-long beautification sessions in the bathroom. After that, it was just a matter of starting a few fights on the roads the float was traveling to block the float’s path. In the fracas, he leaped onto it and snatched the case in which the key lay from when Caldera was screaming at his guards to move the people out of the way and replaced it with a facsimile. He came close to punching Caldera’s lights out when he tried to start the float anyhow but decided not to, on the off chance it would deter him from the evening parade. Good restraint Steel.</p><p>Juno dries his curly hair carefully in the bathroom. The products in this hotel were amazing for his hair. As he slips the cufflinks on the sleeves. He notices the shininess of the embedded gem. They were actual studded cufflinks. God, who did Rita say he was on the booking to get actual studded cufflinks on the hotel provided blouses?</p><p>Juno initially didn’t really have plans beyond, “I’m going to steal the Key before Nureyev notices”; But when Nureyev sent him a message on his comms about his ideas about how exactly he wanted the prize they had agreed upon, Juno decided to combine his spa outing with a victory lap over the master thief he held precious. As the evening parade will stream live in the Hotel of the First Water’s screens, he can watch Nureyev’s face in the crowd as he sees Caldera holding his shabbily made imitation of Lucifer’s Key.</p><p>So, a triumphant lady can have a massive suite with room service and a whole room just for make-up and special hair products he absolutely intends to steal, as he watches the love of his life lose his mind over a ‘criminal novice’ getting one over him, as little a treat.</p><p>God, he sounds ancient even in his own head, making references older than the colonization of Mars.</p><p>Juno is putting on a lovely colour of red lipstick that Buddy had gifted him on his birthday last year when he hears a creak from the wonky floorboard in the bedroom. He reaches for his laser in his skirts, checks the carts in it. More than enough. Where’s the Key? Still in the case next to him. Juno holds his laser in his left hand and picks up the glass case with his right. Ugh, too inconvenient especially since it could slip.</p><p>Sorry, Neptunians, here’s hoping the Key is not so fragile it’ll be dust, the minute air hits it eh? Juno thinks sheepishly and smashes the glass with the hairdryer, the noise echoing through the bathroom. Well if the intruder didn’t know I was here already. Juno sifts through the broken glass and to his relief sees the small brass key was intact and not disintegrated. He places it around his neck, the key cold on his chest and walks out.</p><p>Masked assassins were waiting for him outside the bathroom. Six of them, possibly have backup on the way. All of them dressed to the nines in black with masks covering their heads and holding lasers and knives. Caldera? No, he could hear his tinny annoying voice from the stream, he wouldn’t still be marching in the Parade if he realized the Key had been stolen. Were there other people after it as well? Possibly?</p><p>Nureyev? Yeah, sure right he would send half-rate assassins after you instead of you know waiting for you to get back to the Carte Blanche where you both live?</p><p>“Did no one ever teach you not to intrude on a lady’s private time?” Juno remarked casually to the silent assassins as he mentally mapped the room and the traps he had set in each place. If he timed and placed it right, he wouldn’t even need to use the laser. His comms buzzed. It was Nureyev.</p><p>
  <em>10 mins. That’s all it’ll take. I’d suggest the blue one Juno. It matches your eye.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Keep on dreaming Nureyev.' </em>
</p><p>“Where’s the key Detective Steel?” The assassin in front of him growled, flipping open his laser knife.</p><p>“Who’s asking?” Juno countered, moving ever so slowly to his right.</p><p>“The President of Quex Corp. They've had their eye on the Key for too long to let some half-rate PI turned petty criminal take it out from under them. Give it up now and we might be persuaded to go easy on you.” The assassin behind threatened.</p><p>Juno held up his hands in fake surrender, widening his eyes “Oh no. I’m so sorry guys, I didn’t realize Wayne Quex was also interested in the Key. I’m so sorry. I’ll get it for you right now.” Juno reached for the lever behind him and pulled.</p><p>A blast ripped through the speakers at the back of the room, sending the assassins flying. Juno ran into the kitchen, dodging the lasers by the few assassins not knocked on their asses by the grenade. The first assassin who gets closest to Juno gets boiling pasta sauce all over his uncovered eyes. As he recoils and screams in pain, the assassin in the dark grey ski mask tries to hit Juno with a baseball bat, but Juno dodges and turns, the bat bouncing off the marble counter. He slams the assassin’s head onto the meat knife he had left on the cutting board and shoves him away.</p><p><em>'Despite the protestations by the Neptunian government, Demetrius Caldera has insisted that the Parade, is ‘merely a way to show his respect and affection for the Neptunian culture. A press statement from Caldera Inc has stated that Demetrius Caldera is intending to make a redress on his controversial purchase at the National Museum Auction by bringing the Key back to Neptune on this holiest of days”.' </em> The reporter on the stream went on.</p><p>Five minutes and still three assassins to go. Juno reaches for a sharp fork just as the tall lady lunges at him with a knife. Juno dodges, the knife getting stuck in the sim-potato he was re-heating in the oven and pushes the knife back in the assassin’s face. Pushing her away across the island, Juno doesn’t have time to wonder where that idea came from as he ducks a laser blast. He crouches behind the counter, cursing at the fates for hearing his self-challenge and shoots at them, finally getting both of them in the chest. Juno smiles, his aim’s getting a whole lot better.</p><p>Once he’s sure the other two assassins are down, Juno gets up and surveys the kitchen. Yeah, that’s a lot- that’s a lot of dead bodies. This is not going to be…fun for the hotel staff, poor bastards. Maybe he should just go to the Carte Blanche and savour his triumph when Nureyev gets back, instead of waiting here like a sitting duck.</p><p>As Juno makes his way to the door with his bag, he sees a reflection of the glass doors behind him. More assassins coming in from the garden area. Five of them. He checks his laser. Damnit. Only one. No more dynamite sticks in his bag either. He looks around the kitchen and notices an old Earth microwave on the left corner. What was that thing Mick had told him a long time ago about steel cutlery and microwaves?</p><p>Just as the assassins shattered the glass with a laser blast, Juno shoved all the cutlery in the drawers and the meat knife for good measure into the microwave and set the timer on. As the assassins charged him, Juno dived out of the room and closed the door behind him. As he picked himself up, a loud explosion rattled the door.</p><p>Juno had just about dusted himself off as the bell to the front door rang. Not really wanting to have the awkward conversation with the hotel staff about why the room was blown to kingdom come, Juno had just about clambered out the window when the door opened to reveal Nureyev, resplendent in a black shirt with puffy sleeves and flared lame pants wearing green glasses, leaning casually against the banister.</p><p>“We have to stop meeting like this Detective. I might take it personally.” Nureyev purred as he walked into the room.</p><p>“I wasn’t trying to avoid you this time,” Juno said.</p><p>“So, Juno, I must say, I did not expect such underhanded tactics from you. Sneaking out while I was distracted and starting a riot. Very flashy, but surprisingly you.” Nureyev pulled Juno into his arms and pushed him against the living room table.</p><p>“How did I do Maestro? Does the fact the criminal novice got one over you stings you a little bit?” Juno mocked, the bite in his tone a little spoiled by the hitch in his breath as Nureyev’s sharp teeth grazed his neck. He leaned back slightly, pushing himself up onto the table as Nureyev kisses up his neck over the string holding the Key and claims his lips in a fierce kiss.</p><p>“A little bit. But mostly all it makes me want to do is have you over any flat surface I can find.” Nureyev says against his lips as he removes his black shirt and throws it across the floor. Juno groans and raises his skirt, exposing his erect cock to Nureyev’s hungry gaze. “Tell me, Juno. I know what I asked for if I won our wager, but you never properly mentioned what exactly did you want?” Peter asked, palming Juno’s cock, stroking it with butterfly-light strokes.</p><p>“How about starting with you not pussyfooting around with my cock?” Juno breathed out, his fingers clawing Nureyev’s back as his cock gets wet with pre-cum, practically crying out for more stimulation.</p><p>Nureyev tsked, his teeth nipping at his neck and his other hand gripping his hair and pulling. Juno cried out loudly, the adrenaline of the fight now re-directing into arousal. Into Nureyev holding and pulling and stroking and commanding in his silky smug voice. “Manners dear lady. Now Juno, tell me, what do you want as your prize?” Nureyev whispers in his ear, the hand on his cock gripping harder.</p><p>“I- I- You. Like this. Always you. Just you, gripping my hair and my cock and working me over until I can’t speak. Running to the end of the universe, stealing from and conning the Demetrius Calderas of the world. Sometimes with you or even competing against you, if it’s fun. But always, always only if you’re there.” Juno took his lean, sharp face in his hands and looked him straight in his eyes, “I’m done pretending I don’t want to run out the clock with you Nureyev.”</p><p>Nureyev smiled, a genuine, sweet loving smile and kisses him gently, his lips brushing against his as he mouths “Together my goddess.” against his. He picks up Juno and carries him, his body flush against his to the sofa. Juno scrambles up but Nureyev straddles him and pins him down with his beautiful and deadly thighs that could kill a man.</p><p>God, what a way to go.</p><p>Nureyev attacks him, bruising with bites and hard kisses his sternum, chest, ribcage and abdomen, tweaking his nipples with his fingers to make Juno groan aloud. His prick was practically red and painful now, but Nureyev continued his little ministrations with his fingers and his delicate but ruthless mouth. His long fingers, the fingers of a pickpocket, delicate and deceptive and oh so good at holding onto things firmly and not letting anything slip once he does, work his cock until Juno cries out, unable to bite away his way too loud whimper and comes, his head leaning back as the aftershocks of his orgasm cascade through him.</p><p>Nureyev slides off of him “We’ve still got time Nureyev, get back here.” Juno said, grabbing for him.</p><p>“Oh, we have all the time in the world to do this Juno, but I’m afraid we have matters that take precedence at the moment,” Nureyev says his voice weirdly garbled. Juno looks up to ask what he means when he sees Nureyev holding Lucifer’s Key between his teeth. Juno feels the cut string around his neck, bit through with his sharp fox’s teeth as Nureyev drops it into his hand and twirls it in his index finger.</p><p>“Oh, you sneaky-get back you cheater” Juno lunges but Nureyev is too quick and leaps off of him, running towards the door.</p><p>“All’s fair in love and thieving. Lesson No 32 dear Detective. We do seem to have a long way to go before you become a master thief Juno. We’ll resume our classes tonight. Don’t forget your little blue bralette, my dear.” Nureyev's voice trills as he leaps out of the window and disappears across the garden.</p><p>Juno growls but with a fond smile and rushes after him. No detective worth their salt makes it easy for master thieves to win after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please kudos, comment, and share. I live off your validation like a praise Archivist. </p><p>Come scream at me in the comments or talk to me on @redqueensparta ( the one with the angry lesbian flag) on Twitter or on Tumblr jon-sims-is-a-problem-child where I mostly scream and shitpost about TMA and TPP now.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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